Ask me how many children I have and I will tell you four. Although, that is a lie. I am the mother of five children. And one of those children I aborted. I tell the lie because it is a balm to my conscience, after all, I don’t want people to know that I killed one of my very own children. I don’t even so much mind being honest at times and admitting that I had an abortion, but I hide behind the word abortion because it’s the socially acceptable vernacular. There’s not much stigma these days surrounding abortion, so no one really even bats an eye. When do admit it from time to time the overwhelming response is for someone to somehow try to comfort me, or have a kind word…but in all of this time I’ve never experienced someone react in shock or horror, or express sadness for my child. I recently had the good pleasure of meeting a dear sister in Christ who immediately asked me if I had truly repented. Thank God for her. Thank God for women in Christ who will confront the truth of what abortion is. It is the murder, fetal homicide, of our own child.
Recently I have been asked to give some testimonies concerning being a post abortive mother, and it has given me great cause to think. Thinking of what effect my decision to abort my child has had on me and my life. There is always an underlying sorrow, mostly self pity, for the destruction that I brought onto my own life. But, only in Christ I have gained the ability to think of my child more highly than I think of myself and consider the effect my abortion had on my child. What was that day like in the life and death to my child? Oh, be certain, I was very willing to believe the lies we are told, it’s not a human, it’s a clump of cells, ‘it’ is not a sentient being, ‘it’ is just a byproduct of pregnancy – to be scraped up and thrown away. Because the lies are easier on a guilty conscience. I could even start to believe that aborting my child didn’t really matter. Did it have an effect on my life? Too many to list. Did I carry hurt with me perpetually? Yes, although primarily for myself.
What I’ve come to terms with is that anything I say to explain the circumstances around my decision to abort my child are just attempts to justify the fetal homicide that I pre-meditated and carried out. They are my attempt to say, see, I’m not that bad of a person….I was just uncertain about what the future held, due to the challenges that I saw in my life based off of my finite understanding. But if we could ask my child, what would they say? Would they concede to the story that it was okay to kill them because I couldn’t see into the future? I now know for certain what I did not know then, that God would have made a way for our life to work. I know He would have sustained us because this most wise, most loving, most powerful, all knowing God ordains the days of every single life that He gives. He gave me a child to love and care for. In His providence He gave me a blessing and a heritage. My response? I refuse to accept your gift God. You gave me the wrong gift God. You made a mistake God. God, you don’t understand what I’m going through, my life is really hard.
Decades after my abortion God was merciful and saved me, bringing me reconciled to Himself. As a new Christian I was content to just be of the opinion that women should not have abortions. I was forgiven, and that was good enough for me, done deal. I didn’t really want to talk about abortion beyond that. I may have even thought that I was repentant, because I agreed that abortion is sin, and I have repented of sin. So case closed. I mean repent means just stop doing ‘that’ sin, right? See, problem solved. I don’t do ‘having an abortion’ anymore.
I had no intention of EVER confronting the sin of abortion head on, but my walk with Christ has led me to a place I never wanted to go – abortion clinics. I certainly didn’t want to be one of those weird Christians that no one likes- not even other Christians. And ESPECIALLY I did not want to hold those appalling signs with pictures of mangled and ripped apart little babies.
The first time I went to an abortion clinic to plead for the unborn is when I began to really grasp repentance. I went with knees shaking and my stomach tied in knots. I thought I definitely would throw up. It was hard, it crushed me with sorrow for what my sin had cost our Lord, and the stunning truth that I could call Him Lord was juxtapositioned against it. It wasn’t so simple anymore as just calling it abortion. I had to concede that it was murder. To hate what God hates you can’t define sin improperly. We don’t get to misrepresent God, that is blasphemy. You have to identify the sin, examine it under the light of scripture, with the mind of the Spirit that is at work in you, and call the sin out for what it actually is and destroy it.
Having my mind opened to seeing this sin for the reality of what it is has given me the courage to go over and over again to our fetal death camps and plead for the lives of children who are hated to death by their mothers and fathers. It is common in the Christian Culture, especially amongst pro-lifers, to think that we shouldn’t say harsh things or show signs that have pictures of children murdered by abortion. Holding signs was an issue that I really grappled with. I’d been taught that as a Christian I shouldn’t do things that might be considered offensive, and those images are undoubtedly offensive. I reconciled with them when I realized that if I didn’t hold that sign, that baby, that human being died for nothing, behind closed doors, tortured to death, and no one would ever know. That at least if I could have the courage to display it, that babies life and death is a witness. A wise pastor also taught me that our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ hung as a sign to all, mangled, and mauled, bearing on His body the marks of our sins, high and lifted up over the city for all to see in much the same way.
First out at the clinic all I could really do was cry. I could hardly face what I had done, much less watch others do it. Sometimes I cried so hard that my husband had mercy on me and took me home. I felt like a hypocrite. The woman who murder her own child and claims that Christ saved her is here to tell others that they may go to hell if they murder their child? It took me time to get the courage to even speak at all. Then the though of having a sign became a comfort. The sign could say what I felt like I couldn’t.
Being post abortive has over time caused me to sense the urgency at the clinic acutely, making it easier to speak out, and even that grows all the time, to the point now that I find it very difficult to not call out and plead to every single person. At face value some of the things that are said may seem harsh “please don’t murder your baby”, “what has your baby done to deserve to die”, etc. I don’t say them to be mean or to harass the parents, but to try to prick their consciences. There is not time to waste, this precious human child is mere moments from a horrific torturous death.
We can trust that God will always do good. He will always act justly. And He would have been just in utterly destroying me. I am a sinner. He would be just in pouring out His wrath on me for eternity. The wages of sin is death, and that is what I earned. My child did not sin and earn death, so can I comfort myself in knowing that my murdered child went to heaven and everything is actually okay? Scripture says that we are conceived in sin, born under the curse of Adam, all mankind is at enmity with God. Actually, being a Christian, and somewhat of a theology nerd I can’t honestly say that all aborted babies go to heaven. God has ordained the means by which people come to salvation, and that means is not through being murdered by your mother in an abortion. No one goes to heaven on the grounds of being a murder victim. We can not placate ourselves with thoughts such as our child is with God anyway, as if that would make it okay. The child murdered by abortion has been deprived of life, love, parents and the gospel.
Many of us who have had abortions tend to think of this event in our life as ‘ours’. We try to justify our actions based off of circumstances rather than God’s standard. We may even go through life remorseful of our sin, but only for what we’ve lost. We know that we have foolishly robbed ourselves, but rarely consider what our child’s story is. Not looking beyond ourselves we may not stop to think what we robbed our child of. We may be fearful to face this and go out and speak for the children being led away to slaughter, but we must go. We must truly repent. Go, God will give you strength. Go in faith and prayer, trusting that God is with you. God Bless~
1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.