I would prefer to not write about my sins. Mostly I write about things that I see and experience as a third party, topics that I may counsel with other sisters in Christ on when they are going through trials. When I talk about loving your husband through trials and difficulty, that’s not my actual reality. My husband is easy to love, easy to please, and easy to get along with – me on the other hand, not always so much.
My marriage is totally idyllic. As we strive to have a biblical marriage, I (mostly) joyfully submit to his headship and my husband shepherds me in everything. He is my protector and guide. We go to bed each night, and rise together. We are typically together 24 hours a day. He provides for all of my needs and my wants. Every detail of our lives is a joint decision. I don’t worry about bills, deadlines, gas in the car- I live mostly in a state of bliss. And I love it. Except…when I don’t.
I admittedly have very little difficulty, or strife in my life. That can actually be attributed to my husband directly. He does every single thing in his power to anticipate and solve my problems, and ensure that I have a smooth path. However, that does not prevent me from grumbling like the Israelites wandering through the wilderness. When things do go wrong for me, my thinking towards my husband goes along these lines: “You are head over me, you control all details of my life, therefore, when something goes wrong it is all. your. fault.” I’ll give some painfully true examples of the depths of my pettiness. I forgot my purse at home, his fault. I sang the Psalms at church to the wrong tune, his fault. I could not apply my makeup properly, his fault. Cue the extreme pouting session.
What I have done in these situations is taken God’s blessing and favor in my life and called it a curse. My husband, a gift from God and a protective covering over me, that I desperately love and need has become my target for blame. This is emotional abuse, and I’m guilty. This is akin to Adam accusing God in the garden “The woman You gave me”. And I play right into the curse on all women given in Genesis 3:16,
“Yet your desire will be for your husband, And he will rule over you.”
The inclination of my flesh to sin says, you could have orchestrated these events better. If he really cared how your day went he wouldn’t have allowed these things to go wrong, maybe I should just run the show aka desire to rule over you. My mind and heart turn into the accuser of the brethren. I hate that my own mind and emotions are so deceptive and manipulative. I can agree fully with the Prophet Jeremiah when he says:
“The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it?”
I have no reason to do this at all. It is never warranted. My husband always seeks the highest good for me, I know this for a fact. If someone told me that my husband had plotted some evil scheme against me whereupon I left my purse at home just to watch me be miserable, I would call them a liar! The truth is I know that my husband only seeks to honor me and love me. Not because I’m such an amazing wife. Not because I’m the most beautiful woman in the world. He does not love me because of any external circumstance. My husband does good for me because he loves God. That’s it. No secret trick or magic formula, no love language, no 5 steps to a better marriage. He loves the Lord Jesus Christ that died for him, and he seeks in all ways to love me as his Savior loves the church, His bride, whom He died for.
The most sad part of all of this is that my husband is so kind and gentle with me. He is the most Christ-like person that I know. The strongest Christian, my favorite pastor, and the brother in faith that I admire more than any other person living or dead. He has never said a cross word to me, called me a name, or even raised his voice – ever. He literally attempts to live out the charge of being a godly husband that imitates Christ.
As a result of his kindness towards me, it heaps coals on my head when I am going through these wicked thoughts and feelings. The more I bemoan my ill circumstances, the more he attempts to help me. This is one of the sanctifying aspects of marriage. Where I am weak and fall short, my husband is strong and lifts me up. He always points me to Christ, Who is the way out.
“No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.”
So, if God has given me the way of escape, how do I kill this sin? Repent. Hate this sin, hate that it hurts my husband and hurts God. It shows God that I hate the created order that He has wisely made. It shows that I do not love God or my husband as I should. Pray. Nothing will change without prayer. Pray for God’s mercy, because I am a sinner, and I stand in need of every single thing that gives life, breath, and everything in it. Be familiar with God’s Word, go to it frequently, learn the scriptures so that as the mental assaults come, I know what is true and I can go over God’s Word in my mind and find rest for my soul. In my walk with Christ the most helpful thing that I am still growing, and training myself in that has helped me so much is to run to God. And I do mean RUN. Fling myself on Him and His mercy and ask, “ Father, please! Help me” and He will.
“If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us.”
Confess this sin. Confess this sin to the ones that have been sinned against, God and my husband. It is my prayer that this will be helpful in strengthening your marriage, if you have sinned in a like manner, I exhort you to repent with me, and confess, going to Christ for help, healing and cleansing. With Christ at the center of our marriages they will never fail.